the evil within

i really like this game, best game i’ve ever played in my life actually. i noticed some dumbass reviews of this game so let me just say:
1. the ‘black bars’ are to achieve the wide lense associated with what we, equipped with the human eye and brain, really see in real life, but applied to a third person perspective. it’s beautiful math and design, nice job shinji mikami. to people who don’t understand, do you understand that it lets you see MORE! even though less of the screen is utilized?
2. the story is great. it’s a lot like Mario (the princess is in another castle) and Resident Evil Four. The story serves the gameplay and not the other way around, which, to each his or her own but when i can sense some serious design behind my gameplay i get stoked. Story ALWAYS get’s in the way of gameplay. which leads me to…
3. this game is more designed and balanced and iterated for response to stimuli/ridiculous player feedback than The Last of Us. it’s true.
3.5. lots of gamers these days seem to think your protagonist has to feel an emotion in order for you to feel it (anti-silent protagonist). I just want to say that the exact opposite of that is true and i can’t wait for this retarded phase of gaming to pass so we can get back to DESIGN, where it’s ok if you’re player can’t jump over a car because this isn’t a really stupid sandbox game. (the only good sandbox game ever is Minecraft)
4. almost all of the complaints about this game arise from one of the three point five points above or just difficulty in general, often cited as ‘trial and error’ gameplay.

evil within

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Food and Disease


You can only die from eating if you are a wimp.  Eating is what’s supposed to keep you alive, how could it possibly kill you?  Almost all diseases can be traced back to some kind of placeabo spawned from wimpiness, nothing a little oragne juice and a strong will can’t fix.  There is only one disease you gotta worry about when it comes to food… I’ll get to that in a second.

Babies eat dirt to boost their immune system.  If they didn’t eat dirt then they would probably die super fast.  With this in mind I started eating dirt every day about a year ago.  I haven’t gotten sick at all, except for one stupid disease that can’t be beat with a strong will: Diarrhea, it’s real, even factual.  The proof is in the pooding, you might say.  How can you argue against diarrhea when it’s staring you right back in the face?  I’ve had diarrhea every day for the past year.  This is a small price to pay for never getting sick, tho.

I should mention one other type of food that can kill you, just so haters can’t argue against my sound logic: poison.  Poison will always kill you.  Don’t eat poison.  Babies don’t eat poison.  Why should you?

Human meat probably tastes really bad.

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Let me Mythbust the garlic thing.


For one: Garlic does NOT kill vampires!  Fist off, if a vampire actually comes at you and you have garlic breath, it will probably eat you anyway.  You think garlic breath would really repel something as sexual and deadly as a vampire?

Brings me to my second point: does garlic really repel ANYTHING? it’s totally useless.  For example:  Say you don’t feel like kissing your spouse because they are stupid, so you eat some garlic… that will NOT HELP.  They will still kiss you.  We need to find other solutions to this problem.

Separate point, garlic tastes really good! It’s one of the most flavorful things I can think of.  And bragging rights come with it, like I think it’s associated with expensive restaurants somehow…

So if it tastes good and doesn’t actually repel ANYTHING.. what is with this whole thing about ‘garlic breath’… I call bullshit.  People smell stuff all the time.  Why is garlic so important?  It’s because you can identify it?  We are proud of our garlic alarm because it reassures us that we have some kind of alarm.  Fight or flight genetics is alive and well in the 21st century.

I wonder if it is guiding human evolution somehow, this stupid garlic thing.  Would a woman really avoid a potential mate because of garlic breath, or vice versa? maybe this has been going on for longer than we know… already ingrained in our instincts.  Garlic = bad… and that’s why vampires don’t like it…  case cracked, your welcome.

In conclusion: Because of secondary connections to Jesus Christ, I can’t bust the garlic myth without destroying the world that we know.  But rest assured, garlic is tasty and really really retarded.

Remember: cannibals can make friends too so screen your friends for cannibalism.  ENSLAVE YOUR BODY

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vitamin C mythbuster, embrace the placeabo


Supposedly, when Columbus and all his cohorts were doing their Westward thang circa 1492, they had to cross a lot of sea. You can’t grow oranges in sea water so some of them got scurvey… and possibly died? I don’t know how serious scurvey is… but I DO KNOW that oranges are the only fruit with vitamin C unless you take vitamins… well kinda, but the other foods with vitamin C suck balls, so focus on oranges. But oranges kinda suck too so you probably have to take vitamins. Now, here is the question… how much does vitamin C actually help your body? Don’t listen to what the doctors say because they want to encourage you to spend more money because they are stupid. Answer: vitamin C helps your body negligibly, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stuff yourself with it. the reason to stuff yourself with vitamin c is PLACEABO: placeabo works even if you know about it, pretty sure this is true (so me telling you won’t ruing the spell.)… so with that said, here’s what vitamin C ACTUALLY DOES, according to placeabo, which is real: a. It keeps you from getting sick If you are strong of will and mentality as well. b. it cures hangovers to a degree if you aren’t about to die of alcohol poisoning. c. it makes you feel good about yourself.
reason ‘C’ is the only one I have a problem with. because I just said above that we don’t actually NEED vitamin C anymore… we will get what we actually need accidentally. we aren’t out at see for 6 months straight anymore. It’s only good for placeabo, but that’s good enough. we shouldn’t have to take vitamins to boost our own self esteem, we should have strong enough identities without that need. I know I sound like Tom Cruise on Leno or whatever but it’s kinda funny that he was onto something, considering that he’s a dunce.
In closing: Don’t offer cannibals non-human food or else they will get mad and it will come to blows.  enslave your body.

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The ‘Stare at a Cockroach’ Diet


I had the bright idea of adding a pack of tap ramen flavor to my mac and cheese, on top of the cheese.  It was pretty good but it was soooooo salty.  I have a really bad headache.

I put some egg plant in there too… note to self: don’t do that.  What is eggplant’s deal anyway?  If vegetables were people, Eggplant would be General Custer, a rascist, bearded, horrible leader, deserves what’s coming to him.  I’m about done with eggplant.  Who knows though, I may come crawling back at some point.

I couldn’t finish my bowl though because I kept staring at this cockroach.  It ruined my appetite.  I gotta stop leaving my toenail clippings on the carpet because I think it attracts them.  I guess we could form some kind of symbiotic relationship, though.  They can eat my toenails, and in return I will lose my appetite, save some calories up to spend on beer later.  I love chugging beer and not getting fat.  I’d work out but I don’t feel like it.

If working out shreds your muscles and they rebuild themselves and that’s what makes you stronger… there has to be other ways to shred your muscles.  I punched myself a bunch to see if that works, we’ll see.  My body was startled but it’s cool.

until next time, remember: if you kill a cannibal, don’t kill them by eating them because that makes you just as bad as they are.


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May the power of American Cheese be with you… this Superbowl Sunday.


Superbowl is coming up, AKA the best comfortable napping period of the year.  Achieve bliss before the 4th Quarter by owning up to a full belly of good food, beer, and a corduroy recliner.  Results will vary pending how gay the Superbowl is this year.  Be ready to entertain idiots with some shit in a pan, get them off your back so you can nap, speak mostly in grunts.  But the most important thing is to never invite a cannibal over, even if they are rooting for your team, even if your team is a bunch of cute dogs or monkeys and you don’t know what football is.  even if you are just a confused homeless person in the park feeding the ducks and this is all a dream.  It’s not worth it.



Superbowl Unsolicited Advice Part 1:  When in doubt, put an egg on it.  It makes the shit from the pan look like stomach fluid and smell like burnt eggs but it tastes better and is more filling.  Any readers who know how to make this dish look better than it tastes (currently not the case), I’m interested, comment below.



Unsolicited Superbowl Advice Part 2: Not all Superbowl shit comes from a pan.  I call this ‘Something shitty, Something Tasty.’  The other side of the coin to the vegetable stir fry with egg.  The ‘Merican Cheese is the secret ingredient.  It’s so salty and fatty at the same time.  It’s more than just cheese, it’s an idea.  It’s a potent Frankenstein’s Monster standing next to regular nature mold grown cheese’s Thomas Edison.  Both entities in the name of science, but one eats the other’s face.  Thomas probably deserves it anyways, screw regular cheese!  This is a brat party, and I put an egg on it.  It’s really good.  I’m not kidding.  While cooking the brat, it should be singed on the outside but pink on the inside.  You know you’re doing it right if the smoke alarm goes off and your children cry (if you have children, which if you don’t, you should).

I ate a pink brat the other day and got really sick.  I think the problem was that I didn’t pray.  Always pray to god to save you after eating a pink brat, it is awesome, and it works!  My stomach is probably iron now, so I won’t get sick next time.  I bit into this new brat, really hoping that it wasn’t pink at all, because I was scared.  But it was, so I prayed.




Unsolicited Superbowl Advice Part 3:  If you wanna get wasted this Superbowl Sunday, eat lots of vegetables so you can make up for the lower calorie intake with thick molasses beer.  But the best piece of advice I can give to the annual superbowl watch is: if there were a team that were all dogs, root for them because that would be cool and weird.

Enslave your body before and after the Superbowl, but set it free Sunday!  And avoid Cannibals!



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The Shadow Demon of the Mother


Like a ominous computer.. my cooking has become self aware.  Post-modern cooking is reactionary, this can’t be avoided, but what is it reacting against?  It’s reacting against my mom.  I don’t think this situation is uncommon.

I assume everyone has childhood scars from all the sugarless oat bran their parents made them eat for breakfast every morning, these deep rooted emotional scars can’t be undone, or avoided.  It is your duty to face these horrible memories and eat their opposites.  Load that oat bran up with sugar and olive oil and have at it.

For me, mom would never buy margarine, only top grade butter.  I could only taste the elusive soy product when visiting friends with chubby moms.  This was a double edged sword though because the neighbor’s chubby mom wouldn’t let me have cheese on my Mcdonalds burger, this is literally how serial killers are created and I’m lucky I wasn’t so affected.  Now, as an adult, I can always have cheese on my burger, call it a perk.  Also, I hate butter and love Margarine.  I buy it all the time, same with Miracle Whip.  Miracle Whip tastes fucking weird but my mom would never let me eat it when I was a kid, now I eat it all the time.  It’s practically all I eat, and it’s worth it to be independent and start facing these food demons.

And she would never put hot dogs in the macaroni… BAM.   Macaroni is the strangest food because the first bite, when you’re really hungry is the greatest thing you’ve ever tasted but the last bite is the worst thing you’ve ever tasted.   It’s like hunger is inversely proportional to self loathing while eating macaroni.  Remember, being hungry is GOOD.  We are supposed to be hungry most of the time.  And if it can make macaroni taste so damn great it can’t be that bad.  Hungry people are the shit.  Full people suck balls.

Let the healing begin.  Enslave your body and don’t eat human meat.



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